Friday, August 18, 2006
trying to understand why....
My husband wants, no is demanding, from me what it is that is making me sad, upset and unhappy. We had a very long talk last night that went from productive to useless fighting because he just doesn’t know when to stop! Grrr.
I told him that I would make a list of what it is I am so upset about. So here it goes:
1. I left some wonderful friends back in Japan.
2. I had money in the bank and saving in which to do things when we lived in Japan.
3. I could travel so much easier because of that money. Moving to Canada depleted ALL of it.
4. I had an apartment in Japan that I called home.
5. I could go to a pub, any pub, a strike up a conversation with the person next to me. Here everyone feels cold and unsociable. Li and I have gone to the pub a few times and did not enjoy ourselves any of those times.
6. The service sucks in this country. Two minutes in Japan and you will understand what I mean. My mother and father can’t stop talking about the service they experienced in Japan and they were only there for a few weeks. (Mind you, service in the government sector still sucks, but I think things are that way in just about every country in the world.)
7. People here seem mean. My friend Heather said she found the same thing when she returned back. It is hard to put a finger on. There is just this oddness about the general public that I never noticed before and it is making me feel that way as well.
8. In Japan I used to walk with a happy content look on my face: here I walk angry, sad and standoffish.
9. I liked myself better in Japan.
10. In Japan I grew into a different person. Six years of growing in a different country, experiencing a whole new culture, got married and had a kid. I didn’t realize how much I had actually grown until I came back here. Only problem is that no one else seems to recognize the fact that I am a different person. They are expecting me to be the same Andrea I was six years ago – sorry, I so am not.
11. In Japan I was independent, Li and I were independent. Now we live in the basement of my father’s house. And even though I am really grateful for this, because it has helped us get us back on our feet, it has also meant that Li and I have grown apart as a couple. We are not relying on each other and turning to each other for help and advice the way we used to. Both of us feel second and even last on the list of people to talk to.
12. When looking for a job, the people that really counted in my life did not believe that I was capable of getting the type of job that I have now. They were all advising me to downgrade myself and take an easy job. I felt really pressured near the end and even started second guessing myself. But I did it. And that alone has brightened my day a LOT! Thank you to my dear friend CL who did always believe in me.
13. There are more memories of Alisha here.
14. Horses aren’t fun anymore. They don’t give me the joy that I used to get out of them. I still love horses and I still love riding, but I don’t get any special feeling like I used to. It doesn’t help that every time I wish to question something about them my father pipes up, “It isn’t your concern!” Yet in the same breath he is asking me to put them in for the night. Hmm.
15. I can’t talk to my father like I was able to years ago. Haven’t figured this one out totally. There is a block, a wall, which has been there since I arrived. It is made of concrete right now.
16. I haven’t spoken to my brother in three odd years. In Japan it didn’t really matter but here Li is pressuring me to and I am not ready. I am just NOT READY!
17. Li complains that I don’t worry about him and don’t care about him but that is all I bloody do. I know he is going through his own tough times but it sure doesn’t help when he lays that crap on me.
18. I am being pressured to raise my daughter in ways that I don’t want to. Potty training is one of these things. I have my way set in my head and I know that Li would much rather leave that all up to me and I am fine with it. I don’t think she is at a stage yet to truly potty train and want her to do it when she is actually ready to. Others do not necessarily agree with me.
19. I can’t find a hairdresser that I like. I got my hair cut a while back and she did an ok job but I was not overly comfortable with her and was really hoping for a little more input and ideas. This actually really bugs me. I have one idea in mind. Gonna call this weekend.
20. I had it in mind to join the beer league baseball because it was something that Li and I could do with friends. Only problem is that all of my friends have stopped playing because they kept hurting themselves and have the type of jobs where if they hurt themselves they cant work. I totally respect this. I think I will look more into this next year. I don’t think there is much left to do in that area this year.
21. I have been banging my head against the wall debating the positives and negatives of renting verses ownership in this completely crazy land price area where I live. But the major factor there is that we spend ALL of our money coming here and I have no desire what so ever to borrow money from anyone. AUGH!
22. I seem to be having problems making friends and meeting people here. Work is definitely helping and it is pretty amazing how small the world is and how we are all connected through acquaintances. Li is having this same problem and it really bothers him as well.
23. People forgetting that I have been out of the country for 6 years and am a little behind the times in the gossip and their every day lives. My friend CL pointed out that my blog may actually be the culprit there. Everyone has been reading this and keeping up on things about me and my family; they just seem to have totally forgotten that they never kept me up on their lives.
24. On my birthday, my first birthday back in Canada, my father forgot to say happy birthday until after someone else did. Then he proceeded to make breakfast for my step-mom without ever offering anything to me. It hurt. For dinner it was fend for your self. I didn’t even get a card. I never asked for some big ass present just some sort of happy birthday. OH my step-bro and his wife called all the way from Cranbrook to SING happy birthday on the phone. Considering that this was just after dad said happy birthday to me as an after thought, it felt incredibly damn good. My mom called me a few days before to wish me happy birthday because she knew was going to be out of town at a wedding. My aunt gave me a present and I dint get anything slightly birthdayish until my new job bought a birthday cake to share with another girl as well as cards signed by all. It felt great: late but great.
25. My father loves to tell us that we should have been here 4 years early and that we waited to long to move to Canada. That we missed out on tons of opportunities. Great. I guess the fact that we were exploring other opportunities and enjoying them was a stupid idea.
26. I am sure there is more to add to this but my mind is blanking. I have been writing this at work when ever I get the chance so I have been side tracked a gazillion times. I might add more later.
On a silly note:
This morning ToddlerJi thought it would be hilarious to give me a kiss with food sticking out of her mouth. She deliberately put the food between her lips and then tried to kiss me. Kid was laughing hysterically after. Goof!
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