Monday, August 21, 2006
Yesterday Li, ToddlerJi and I went for brunch at the Harrison Hotel.
Their brunch is expensive but good. I pigged out. ToddlerJi ate pretty good to.
After I had to bring Li to work and then I started out down the freeway heading towards somewhere. At first I was thinking of heading to the mall in Abbotsford but I didn’t turn off. So I thought I would head to the mall in Langley.
ToddlerJi was nodding in and out of a much needed nap so I was in a thoughtless zone.
Then I saw the sign for Fort Langley and went YA! I haven’t gone shopping there in a zillion years. So I turned off and headed toward Fort Langley. Halfway there it hit me; hit me hard, Grandpa O is buried in Fort Langley.
Grandpa O died just before I discovered I was pregnant. I was in Japan and not able to head home for the funeral. I felt awful for not going but was so glad that Grandpa was going to be in the same place as Alisha and kicking her into line. HEHE, Alisha always listened to Grandpa.
I cried at the time but I guess I never mourned the way I should have.
I had a great talk with a special girl yesterday morning and she reminded me that I was probably going through a silent morning period for Alisha again. I mourned well in Japan but here I am experiencing things all over again: pictures I haven’t seen in years, things and drawings that I keep coming across, turning the corner and seeing one of her old friends, the little girl in the park being called Alisha. (the little girl really threw me the other day.) I haven’t been letting myself accept it.
I have to admit that I have been thinking of her less since I came. I used to think of her a few times a day and was comforted by it in an odd way. Here I seem to be blocking the memory of her.
Well I guess the same sort of thing has been going on with Grandpa O. I never said good bye to him. Deep down I don’t think I really expected him to ever die. He was one of those kinds of people.
Grandpa J died shortly around the same time but it didn’t hit me as hard. I had seen him and spent some quality time with him the last time I had gone to Canada. I knew then that it would be the last time I saw him; just a feeling. I was prepared and not surprised. His ashes were also scattered, which has a different effect of me. Hard to explain.
Well Grandpa O was buried and ToddlerJi and I went to visit him. I couldn’t find his spot at first and called Grandma all in tears. ToddlerJi even came up to me and patted me on the back all worried because I was sitting on the grass in the middle of the cemetery crying my eyes out to Grandma.
ToddlerJi and I found the spot.
I didn’t bring flowers as I never knew that was where I would end up.
Grandma and L and been there a week before and had put roses in the flower holder. Because of the heat they had dried, so ToddlerJi took the out and crumbled them up all over Grandpa’s name and patted Grandpa’s name many times. She even talked to him for a bit. I talked to him as well about how I have been felling and stuff.
After we went to visit Grandma and ToddlerJi jumped out of her seat and walked straight up to her Oman ad gave her a hug.
Grandma and I had a great talk over tea with ToddlerJi playing and laughing hysterically in the background.
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