Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I didn't Yell

I came close, but I didn’t yell.
Wanted to, but I didn’t yell.

I have different degrees of anger; as I am sure most people do.
I am one of those people who, either fortunately or unfortunately, have their anger written clearly on their face. I cannot hide it no matter how hard I try.

My first level of anger is ANNOYED.
I get annoyed easily and this is shown clearly in what my (very annoying) husband calls my
- Bitch Face.
Don’t know how to describe it. I do know that my eyes squint and my brows tend to curl in the middle. Usually I am doing my best to mask it with a fake smile or some laughter.

My second level of anger is ANGRY.
My dad said that my shoulders tend to go up and my neck disappears. The bitch face is clearly written and yelling can sometimes be involved. There is usually a lot of action during this level: walking, pacing, stomping. Not pretty.
My eye brows tend to get sore during this phase.

But my third level of anger is PISSED RIGHT OFF.
This one scares me. My bitch face actually dissolves in to a stone cold stare. My shoulders are no longer hunched. There is no yelling and little action. What there is is full-blown body shakes.
Some people shake when they are afraid: I don’t, I get angry. I shake to the point of having trouble holding a pen when I am downright pissed. I usually reach this point when I am doing everything in my power to control an anger explosion. I build up inside and can not contain it. The only way to prevent myself from exploding is to shake. It is a form of energy release. It is when I am in this mode that I know I can never be a cop. I am afraid of guns, but put a gun in my hands when I am like this and I will shoot stone cold killer type. I am thankfully so afraid of guns that the fear is greater than my anger.
Usually when I am in this mode my voice is scary calm; there is no yelling, and I tend to think clearer than when I am happy. But my voice can be filled with cold ice hatred or disgust.

Last night Li pushed me to shaking. When he got home he knew. He actually snuck in undercover of the train noise because I didn’t hear him. I would not have know he was home if he hadn’t of coughed.
I laid it out last night in a calm cold voice.
He said nothing.
I went to bed and slept well.
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Posted by (Top)Andrea::9/20/2005 :: 1 Comments:

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