Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I cry

The first person that I knew to die in my family was Grandma Alice. I cried when she was in the hospital and I seemed to instinctively know exactly when she died. I cried when she died but I never cried at the funeral. I actually enjoyed the funeral as a family affair. Some where there is a complete picture of the Howsam family with Grandmas box beside. I was happy for her. She lived long and died old. She was lucky.

The same was for Grandpa Oscar and Grandpa Joe, they just died too close together for my brain to comprehend what had happened. But they both died old and had lived long amazing lives. I will forever regret never being at their funerals though.

Uncle Rick's death was a major blow and Alisha's knocked the wind right out of me. Neither had lived long. Neither was old. Not being able to go to Rick's funeral didn't help either. For Alisha I had family to hug and hold and talk to. I didn't have that with Rick and that piece of healing has not happened.

Not a day, minute or even second goes by with out me thinking about Alisha or Rick. Alisha obviously much more than Rick but Rick's image is pretty strong in my brain. Part of the reason why I am so tired after work is that I can not make my brain relax. If I am not thinking about work JiXiang is strongly there, and if not her it is Alisha or Rick. I have even started being able to separate my thinking and am teaching all normally while thinking about one of these three people.
Part of me wishes these thoughts, almost all good and happy, would leave me alone and let me relax. But the other part of me is glad that I refuse to forget.
Rick was only just last year but Alisha has been a few years now and sometimes it feels like I am thinking about her even more. I think I tried to block my thoughts in order to control my emotions after she died. I am not doing that anymore and the flood gate of all past and future life is pouring through my brain. It is exhausting.

What is it going to be like 10 years from now? Is this going to make me crazy?

I definitely makes me cry more often which actually annoys me.
Those that know me well probably wonder how I could POSSIBLE cry MORE.
I cry a lot.
I cry reading a book, even the bad ones.
I cry watching movies. I can start watching a movie halfway through and I will cry. I dont even know who the characters are! I might even be in another language and I will still cry. I used to make sure that if I went out to the movies with friends, if there were any men in our group I would only go to an action or comedy. Was not a 100% guarantee that I wouldn't cry but the chances were in my favour. The first time I watched a movie with Li's mother there I started crying of course. I think we were watching 'Dances With Wolves', and his mom got all concerned. Li just looks - SHE ALWAYS CRIES!
I cry watching sappy commercials.
I cry reading and watching the news. Not always, but often.
I cry when the camera shows everyone screaming together at a concert or sports event. Doesn't it give you a wonderful feeling to see thousands of people united and happy because of a song or a sport? It does me.
I cry when the flag is raised and the anthem is played in the winning circle at a sports event. It wont even be Canada. It could be Bolivia for all I care! I cry.
Li says it is because I have a kind heart and that is why he loves me. I say it is because I am a sap and I blame it on my father who is a sap as well.
Hell! After the tsunami I had to stop watching the news because I was crying too much and it was giving me a headache.
People at work politely avoid eye contact with me when it looks like I am reading the news. I think they have figured out I am a sap even though I keep that fact a secret here.

With the death of Alisha and Rick I cry even more. It started after Alisha and has become stronger since Rick died.
I will cry in the shower, putting on makeup (a real hassle), riding my bike to work, writing my blogs, and nursing JiXiang. The list goes on.
It actually annoys me and requires major water proof makeup.
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Posted by (Top)Andrea::4/19/2005 :: 0 Comments:

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