Tuesday, June 17, 2003



I am in a state of shock right now.
Bernie Cross is dead.
I never even knew that he was sick. I feel so sorry for his family. Those children will never think of fathers day in the same way ever again.
I only hope that it was quick and painless.
He was too young.
My condolences go out to Betty, and the kids.


I flipped out on Li for smoking last night after I heard about Bernie. I get these little panic attacks every once and a while. I probably drive Li quite crazy. I am terrified that something is going to happen to him and that I will be alone.
I think that the thought of being along is more terrifying than anything else. I married him for all the right reasons and now I would really like it to last for a very long time.
Marriage here in Japan seems so negative.
So many people get married only because she is pregnant. Others because they are being highly pressured by family because of their age so they agree to arranged marriages. There are a few that married for love and you can tell. I hear it in the voices of my students when they tell me what they did on the weekend. They enjoy the time that they spend with their wives and family. This makes me so happy.
But then there are others that do basically nothing with their families all weekend. They work late and have zero communication with each other. These people dont walk with a spring to their step and never really look happy.
One of the engineers here went on a 2 months doctor ordered stress leave because he was so nervous and not really enjoying the idea about getting married. He had let it slip at a work party once when he was a little drunk that he didn't want to get married and that he was only doing it because his and her parents were expecting it.
Another guy just got married about 2 months ago. He is having the official wedding ceremony this weekend. He kept the entire relationship with her a secret from even his parents until he proposed. Then he talked about her all happy and giddy. Well she is a researcher for a different company. Her first business trip away from home and he was soooo happy, his words, because he could play nintendo and not do anything or worry about her for a few days. Only married for two months and already he is happy that she is out of the house. Not personally a good sign.

One of my friends asked her conversation English class what were some good reasons to get married. The woman all went, loooovvveee, and the men all said because she is pregnant. Eeeeeekkk.
You are supposed to gain something when you get married. You get a companion for life. Someone you can trust with everything. The one true person you can talk to. I never see that here.
One of my friends was a gospel singer at a wedding chapel near here. She actually saw situations where the wife kept on fainting and had to be supported while going down the aisle. She saw situations where the man almost didn't sign the paper. He just held the pen and stared. Not a good future sign there.
One of the English teacher just got married to a Japanese woman. He was so excited and happy. He invited everyone to their after wedding parties. The wedding itself was a very ritzy one. Their after wedding parties took place in the bar where he met her and the bar where he proposed. He arranged another elaborate wedding for her in California with his family and an amazing honey moon.
Two weeks ago he said with a whisper, marriage was not what I thought it was going to be.

Are Japanese people so different about marriage? Why? I am so confused.
The same situation happened to another guy here. His marriage with his Japanese wife barely lasted 4 years. He said that she changed instantly after the marriage in to a perfect little quiet house wife. That was not what he thought he was marrying and that was not what he wanted.
I dont understand that transformation that happens.
My Japanese friends always ask me how my marriage is going and I say the truth. Just fine. No problems. And they always seem to be a little surprised but are trying to hide it. Why?
Li and I have discussed the oddness of Japanese marriages and have told each other point blank that we want nothing like that to happen to us.
Maybe it is good that we see all the stupidity and shit. I have witnessed it first hand with mom and dad. Maybe, just maybe, we can make this work. We have a lot working against us but I really feel like we have grown a bit in the last year. We feel good together.
We still love each other almost more than before.
Hmmmm.
Watch we will probably get into a little tiff tonight over something stupid because I wrote this.

Murphy's Law.


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